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Do you forgive your mother for being a bad mother?

I am going thru a turmoil. After having my own daughter (who is now 8) and my daughter being so like me, I have come to wonder and question my mother. We were never close but all these emotions have surfaced about her and I have found over the last year that I can't forgive her for all the horrible times she put me through. I try not to have any contact with her, as I believe that you reap what you sow (in one's relationships especially) My mother treated me like crap when I was growing up (long story) and my younger sister is pushing me to make peace, but I feel that she must earn my forgiveness. My Mother won't talk about "those years" and has tried to pretend that they didn't happen in a sense. To be blunt, she shouldn't have had kids. Being the person I am wondering if I am being too harsh on her? But the cuts run deep and I don't know what to do. Advice anyone? 56 mths ago

Best Answer

Hi Base. My mother...shit where shall I start. Maybe if you have the time to go read my blog will you understand why I will never forgive my mother. I read all the answers above and I don't know if I should agree with them. My mother is not even a role model to my children. Even called my first born a bastard en said that he was going to end up in jail. No, to much water under the bridge to forgive my mother and everything she ever did to me. And believe me, since I was 12 I have given my mother plenty chances to admit that she was wrong and to be a mother to me. When I was 34, I could just not carry on hoping that one day she would be a mother to me and acknowledge me and the truth. It is too late now. Yes we still talk once in a while and even when she says that she loves me, I just can't say it back cause I just don't feel it. This is something that you have to decide for yourself I suppose, and I don't think what anybody say is going to make you feel better. If reconciliation is something that you really want, then I suppose you have to reach out to her and try. Good luck girl, I know that feeling all to well.

56 mths ago

Answers -

Nah boet, My mom was and is my mom, loving caring and the best thing in my life. Luckily for me I had good parents, no forgiving necessary, just thanking....

56 mths ago

I have been very hurt by my parents and they are now trying to make up for it. I forgive and forget as the relationship with the next generation is so important!

56 mths ago

Dear BA. Yes. My father and mother are both long stories. You hit the nail on the head when you say*** that you reap what you sow (in one's relationships especially)*** Your daughter sees her mother and Grandmothers relationship, and she might use that as a model to use on you at a later stage. I really tried to be better than my parents, and thought that I was doing a great job. No so according to my ex wife. I am so grateful that I could make peace and clear up things with both my son and daughter. How old is your mother? She is a product of her youth and age. I also find that both my parents do not want to talk about “those things”. Our parents tried their best, ad they are also a products of their childhoods. Ask them to talk about their childhoods. Get to know them better that way, and then you may find it in you to forgive them. Foregiveness can be given in your hart. I suggest that you follow your younger sisters advice. Talk to your sister. Clarify and clear emotions with your sister. Remember that your inner thoughts and turmoil’s are part of who and what you are. These will rub off on our children, without us even knowing it. Children pick up sayings and attitudes from their parents, as parents are demigods until we see their feet of clay. We need to work hard at love, kindness and forgiveness. Thank your sister for her efforts to support you. I hope you do not take this as a lecture, as I also need to work on forgiveness.

56 mths ago

This is a very difficult situation to be in. I had a very strange childhood, going to my first boarding school when I was 5. Both my parents were very egotistical narcissists. I believe they did love me, but in their own peculiar ways. As you get older, and hopefully wiser, you realize that, seen from their points of view, they were "good" parents, even though you know the truth to be somewhat different.. My parents have been dead for 15 years, and I am still trying to come to terms with their behaviour. Thank God, I forgave them, to a certain extent, whilst they were still alive. It is only now, that I wish that I could have forgiven them, unconditionally, while they were still alive. My "advice" would be to be the bigger person, have broad shoulders, and try and establish a meaningful relationship with your mother, while she is still on earth. Not for her sake, but for your enrichment, as well as your daughter's sake. It can be hard, to go back into the lion's den, but you are now your own person and much stronger than when you were a child. This can also be a very positive influence on your daughter's life. Sorry, if I sound like I am preaching.

56 mths ago

It will be hard..but it is something you must do whilst she is still alive. When she is dead..be it a failed mission or a successful mission..at least it will not haunt you and make you wonder if you were right or wrong. Things were not so easy 20/30 yrs ago..and there may have been an underlying reason why she appeared to be/or was a bad mother. Take strength..and try. It may solve many problems that still lie dormant within yourself....The first step of the journey is always the hardest...the next steps become easier....... Good luck.

56 mths ago

My mother hurt me and my brother deeply when we were young and it has been very hard to forgive her since she live in total denial. Since i live overseas, she visits me once every two years for up to month. These times are always very trying and emotional for me. On her last visit we had a huge fall out and then she finally opened up. She was terribly abused as a child and something went wrong (She still can't deal with her own childhood). I don't believe she has any idea what she did to us. I decided to let go. She has suffered a lot over the years and I found great peace when i was able to forgive her. I can never be close to her, but today i truly feel sorry for her and try my best to be understanding. It is not always easy and she has yet to visit again. Maybe I talk to early as that will be real test, but I believe I have grown through this and will be able to support her rather than to judge her. My brother never had these chances. He died 6 yrs ago, not having spoken to our mother for over 20 yrs. My advice is to try and accept what happened and to forgive. Put it in your past. As long as it haunts you, you can never be truly free. Do it for yourself and your kids. All the best and be strong.

56 mths ago

You only have one mother regardless of what she did. You might do stuff your daughter wouldn't approve off later in life - how would you feel if she just cut you out of her life. Regardless of what your mother did, you will never forgive yourself if something happens to her and you did not make peace at least. Let him who has no sin, cast the first stone.

56 mths ago

Parents do the best that they know how to at the time. You were most likely the oldest and your parents unfortunately did not know how to deal with certain things and thought that they did the best they could. And they did - whether it was wrong or right - they did the best they knew. Read the article I attach... it may make sense and help you a little. And remember one day your child make feel the same way you do about your parents.

Source: http://justmakeitbetter.com/2009/03/30/forgive-your-parents-for-they-know-not-what-they-do/

56 mths ago

i had a wonderful childhood. Its hard to relate to these stories.

56 mths ago

I can relate BaseAddict, not with my mom though but with my dad. I am looked upon as the rogue because I don't communicate with him. Only you know what you are feeling. I wonder if I should patronise everyone and do what they think, or follow my own heart. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing for yourself, but you have to be able to let go, and that's the tough part. A wise person told me to live for the moment. Live for now! For me, I'm trying to do that. I hope that your turmoil will subside soon. You do need someone to talk this through with. Maybe a session with a psychologist. (hugs).

56 mths ago

You only have one mother in your life , forgiveness is the right way to go

56 mths ago

Honour thy mother and father ... only if they deserve it. Focus on the relationship that you have with your own child, tell her the truth when she's old enough. If your mother won't own up to what she did to you - then you don't need to forgive something that she perceives didn't happen ... see what I mean?

56 mths ago

I can totally relate to you. My mom was an alcoholic and not so much a bad mother, she was just very negligent. I have learnt to accept what life throws my way and have tried to be a good mother to my girls! I forgave her for everything that happened in our lives but my brother never ever did and actually hated her. He died when he was 39, taking his hatred with him. I love my mom dearly and realise that a lot of things that happenened in her life was to a certain extent out of her control. Forguve her, it is very healing and really changes the way you see things. Good luck!

56 mths ago

I feel I have the worst Mother ever. She's psychologically f*cked & no I will never forgive her but I do treat her like my Mom & spoil her sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't hate her. I despise her.

56 mths ago

My mom wasn't a bad mother, she was awesome and I know that everything she did was because she loves me. I don;t know what happened with you are your mother, but maybe you need to talk about it with her because if you don't you will find yourself rotting in your own pain and you will have so many regrets when she passes on. Rather try sort the issues out now. You may find that if you can do that it will help your relationship with your daughter

56 mths ago

I had a similar experience and you will forgive but only when you are ready. You will know when that is in your own heart and when you have worked through the emotional pain then you will not need to ask this question as you will already have the answer. I forgave but have never forgotten and it has made me a better parent. Good luck it is a a painful journey but one that you must take for your long term happiness.

56 mths ago

These are hard issues to deal with, but for our own peace of mind, we have to deal with it. I am currently also trying to work through some diffucult issues. I'm reading up on a lot of stuff etc. but at the end it all comes down to changing the way we think. As we grow up, our parents form blueprints of characteristics in our life, of how we see life, what is wrong/right etc. When we are adults, a lot changes. You may realise you dont want to do things the way you were taught. But sometimes you automtically react in a certain way because of that blueprint, but afterwards you would think I don't want to react like that? So, I came accross something else: Cognitive behavioural therapy. This therapy helps you to not react on these "blueprints" especially on an emotional level, but to change the way you think, so that you don't e.g. treat your child the same way as your mom treated you. Hope this helps. I think I understand what you mean. Good luck. You'l be in my thoughts.

56 mths ago

My mother has passed away 4 years ago. My relationship with her was never the best but at the end we saw eye to eye. I think you should forgive her, you will feel free afterwards. Because you cannot change what happend, she knows exactly what she did wrong and how horrible she was to you, and maybe that is the reason she cannot talk about it. You should tell her exactly how you feel and then close the subject. No matter what once she is gone you will miss her and wish you had talked to her.

56 mths ago

Funny how one keep things against anybody for that matter, and while reading these answers you realize that these 'things' arent worth the energy projected in a thought!!!! Thanks for my mom and dad!

56 mths ago

My dear friend if you could just know that most children when they grow up express the same or similar points of view about their parents, in your case your mother. This is thus nothing unusual to experience the feelings that you are currently wrestling with. I want you to remember that no parent is handed a How to raise children manual when they get married. They - especially the earlier generations worked on a trial and error basis and often used what their parents programmed into them as a guide. Your mother possibly did the best she could from moment to moment with what she knew under circumstances that might have been testing and difficult. We never know other people’s stories my friend. You do not know the story in your mother’s heart and head. You do not know how her own dreams were possibly shattered when she was also still a child. I would really recommend that you forgive your mother for whatever you perceive she did and move forward. Forgive her for your own sake so you can detach from the place that you are currently stuck at when it comes to your mother. You forgive her not for what she did, but to release this negative energy that is taking up too much space in your heart. End this cycle now and experience the joy that forgiveness bring. It is easy to forgive strangers, but it is much more difficult to forgive someone that fell short of what you now with hindsight see as a good mother. It can be that your mother is part of your life because she is here to teach you a lesson in unconditional love and forgiveness.

56 mths ago

For your daughters sake, for her future, for her life....... do it. Forgive your mother. For your own sake too, maybe even more. You are a wonderful human being, unique in every way, and somehow, your mother is part of this person you are, and she is in your daughter too. Forgiveness is absolutely divine. It cleanses you, it invigorates you, it makes you brand new. At the end of the day, what will it cost....words, time, love for your daughter...the cost to you not much, but the rewards greater than anything you have ever done. God Bless you and yours, and who knows, maybe you will understand a little or a lot better. You cannot imagine what my mother in law did to my husband, and the day he forgave her, he was just so achingly different. It all came out under hypnosis, but really it was terrible. She passed shortly afterwards, and he thanks God that he did so in time. All my love and blessings.

56 mths ago

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