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Resolved Question

MY HUSBAND BLAMES ME

My hubby and I had a fight/argument yesterday. we have been together for 11years now. I met him when he was still married and became friends with him. I was not looking for a relationship at that time, just good company. We became so close that he started telling me about the problems he was having in his marriage. I suggested counseling and his wife didn't want to attend. Our relationship thickened and he decided to leave/divorce his wife. We moved in thereafter and married a few months later. Now he blames me for breaking up his marriage and that he left his wife because of me. How should I handle this as it is not the first time he has said this. I had nothing to do with the break-up. I when ahead with the relationship after the divorce. I very frustrated with this "remark". Don't say that he was angry and said it to hurt me, as he said it when he was not angry as well. Help keep me sane.... 67 mths ago

Best Answer

Oh, so the pot likes calling the kettle black. Hmpf. No one ever makes any one do anything. It was not like you held a loaded gun to his head. HE made the decision to leave. Your involvement might have triggered the decision but it was his after all. Tell him to stop blaming you and to start taking responsibility for his own life and decisions. Oh, and another thing. Nothing/no one can break up a marriage if it didn't have cracks in the first place.

67 mths ago

Answers -

"Now he blames me for breaking up his marriage and that he left his wife because of me." Because of you, or FOR you? Huge difference. I don't feel good about this, I have to be honest. It's obvious he still have feelings for her and it sounds like he wish he was with her instead, but now is stuck with you. I KNOW this sounds harsh, but you asked, and I'm only commenting truthfully. I really don't think you guys will ever be 'one' in that marriage. There are factors influensing the process.

67 mths ago

He obviously regretted leaving his wife, he clearly wants to be with her rather than with you. I could not stay with a man that wants to be with another woman, cut your losses, leave him, you can make it on your own and you never know, you might just meet a man that wants to be with you and not another woman very soon. You cannot get into a good relationship while you are still in a bad relationship. Also, it takes two to tango, you did not put a gun to his head and force him to leave his wife, he is a coward for laying the blame on you for his mistakes. Find someone better, you deserve it.

67 mths ago

sorry to hear something like this Witch , its uncalled for - my ex husband used to do the same to me although on different issues that he had actually made decisions on. I think when people feel angry or guilty about something it is easier for them to project those feelings onto someone else and apportion the blame to others. Considering this is an issue that has come up before , I would advise 3rd party intervention - like counselling - where he can be made to see that he was responsible for the decisions he made and learn how to come to terms with it. Unfortunately , ignored , these things fester under the surface and ultimately create big problems. Hope you get it right !!

67 mths ago

Maybe the two of you should go for counselling, who is to say he is not doing the same thign to you that he did with his first wife...Make the suggestion to him and if he doesn;t want to go you will know he was lying to you about her not wanting to go all those years ago....

67 mths ago

I would say you have to weigh the pros and cons to this marriage. You have problems with your step daughter. Your husband does not want to accept responsibilty for his actions. Why should you be blame for some thing like this. You have to decide whether you are going to go to counselling or whether you are going to end the relationship. To me it sounds as if your husband is not at peace with himself. Dear Witch it does not improve unless you can go for counselling. You are in my thoughts. Good luck with which ever decision you make.

67 mths ago

Ag nee, shame Witch. I would be the last one that can give you advise on this one cause I have never been in your shoes. But, it does sound that he wanted his bread butterd on both sides and now would only like it one one side. It is bad when people start blaming other people when something goes wrong but in actual fact it was there mistake in the first place. And it is even worse when it comes up in a argument. If he even blame you when you are not fighting then something is seriously wrong. Go talk to someone together if he wants. If not, then I realy think you are going to have to move on because him blaming you all the time will drive you insane! Good luck girl.

67 mths ago

Oh dear Witch! After 11 years of being together! There must be something cooking within him. We can but only guess what that can be. You will have to sit down with him and really talk this through, no other way. The sooner, the better otherwise you wont be able to stay sane.......... Good luck, will be thinking of you!

67 mths ago

You have been with this man for 11 years and he is suddenly blaming you for the break-up of his previous marriage!!! You are obviously committed to the relationship and he is the one who is feeling a bit shaky. My suggestion would be get counseling as soon as possible; he needs to see that he is responsible for the decisions he made and that he cannot blame you for the choices he made. Unfortunately, if you leave it alone he will start building this whole picture where he was a victim of circumstance and you were the big, bad seductress and this will destroy your relationship because you will (rightfully) become defensive and resentful. Get help and get is soon.

67 mths ago

You want to meet for coffee, seems like we can have a long chat. Just be strong.

67 mths ago

OOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPSSS

67 mths ago

Oh my goodness, Witch, this doesnot sound very good. Maybe just sit down with him and discuss what is it that is really bothering him. You might be either surprised or very hurt, either way you need to patch things up, otherwise there is no hope of your marriage suceeding. Sorry, I am thinking of you and wish you all the best.

67 mths ago

He left her for you. You'll never be sure when (not if) he'll leave you for someone new. Either hit him over the head or cut your losses and skedaddle out of this doomed marriage.

67 mths ago

Tell him my name is WISEGUY and I said he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions. I can tell you right now that he has insecurity issues and he's trying to bring you down to his level to make himself feel better. You must be strong enough to keep believing in your own integrity and virtue. As long as you don't let him undermine you, you will be able to work out for yourself where to go from here. Good luck, sweetie.

67 mths ago

My mom told me years ago never get involved with a guy who hasn't been divorced at least 2 years, then he has sowed his oats, hopefully got rid of hang ups and isn't on the re bound. Luckily my husband had been divorced for 4 years when we got together so there are no ghosts or skeletons in the closet. Good luck hope all works out for you guys.

67 mths ago

surely u knew that somewhere down the line this sort of guilt trip was gonna be laid on you! But its no excuse....he should be a man and own up to his own faults. And the reason i think he said that was because somehow there is something missing in this relationship that was present in the last one....or just purely a hurt-inducing statement

67 mths ago

I am so sorry to hear this but unfortunately the saying if he can do it with you he can do it to you. So leaving his wife to be with you may mean he may do it again, this time to you. But turning around and blaming you is a sorry ass excuse for not taking resposibility for what he did way back when. there is this little thing called FREE WILL. He is an adult. He knew exactly what he was doing and he was not forced to do so.

67 mths ago

Im really sorry that u have to go through this, being in a relationship where u get blamed for stuff that isnt ur fault isnt healthy and is going to take you down girl. Sometimes people will look for issues to bring up when there is something else happening, perhaps this could be it, marriage is supposed to be a union of two people who share each others pains and give each other happiness, you are clearly so far from that. Talk to him, let him know exactly how u feel, if he doesnt reciprocate then u will know what to do.

67 mths ago

After 11 years no I do not buy it, something else is wrong. He cannot blame you for breaking up his previous marriage. You suggested counselling he wanted to divorce his wife.

67 mths ago

Hi dear Witch. Sounds to me like your hubby is using something called "Projection" to effectively project the guilt he feels onto you. It also sounds (as some here have said) as though he has issues with accepting responsibility for his own actions. If I were you, I would take my own advice of so long ago, and get the both of you into couples therapy asap. Good luck, sweetheart! xxx

67 mths ago

Pack your bags and leave, cause he will always blame you. See men don't grow up.

67 mths ago

see, 11years is a looong time. maybe he has(d) unresolved issues with his ex-wife and now he's wondering what could have been... i would say it's best if you two go for counselling. dont involve parents or friends, go to a professional, someone who'll help the both of you talk freely, honestly and about your deepest emotions. good luck.

67 mths ago

Why does this "blame" only come out after 11 years? Has he held some grudge for all this time? I honestly don't think that this "blame" is the reason for the argument - because if he did blame you he would never have married you! Think there is something else! :-(

67 mths ago

NOW! it's not right to have a argument about the past he chose and you chose,but it's obvesley he want's he's wife back but it can't be because your so long together but he can't blame you that's not right try and speak to him in a proper manner you should get counseling seriousley

67 mths ago

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